There seems to be too much shit inside my head, I have to drill holes in it to let the foul odor escape~ and I did! …by writing with the intent to fully make my point across. But then I stopped, because a) my train of thought keeps breaking b) I can’t seem to find the words that best describe its message c) I make no sense altogether.
So like all of my incomplete ideas, I am putting it in drafts along with the feelings I’m torn between shouting to the heavens or burning in hell.
Sandy surprise-visited me today, along with her sister, spouse, and son! I picked the right day to wear a bra.
See also: Forgotten Friendship
One thing I noticed about myself—and a lot of the few people in my life can attest to—is that I am not a social butterfly. I want to be, no doubt! Like the people I want to be surrounded by gets bigger-than-life inside my head and I just end up annoying them and/or embarrassing myself around them :-(
There’s nothing more humiliating than to feel like your actions not only have lessened your chances to get chummy with the k00l kidz~*~ whoever-they-are, but, also the thought of them knowing who you are, what you did, and silently judging you for it just because YOU TRIED. It gets into my head a lot, eating me up. And when that thought takes over, it brings this tingling feeling in my tummy a.k.a. fear of trying (literal shit) just as a perfect opportunity shows itself right in front of me. And all that’s have to be done lies on my part - the decision to grab that opportunity and get on with it. But the thing is, I can’t. My mindset on failing after trying once before hinders me from even looking at that opportunity in the face. Tendency is, I look in a different direction, walk away, and leave the opportunity for someone else to chance upon.
This is why I prefer that my identity to those peoples, if not completely unknown, be a confusion. I find it less damaging to see them like/dislike me for not even knowing who I am. Some might mistake it as an attempt to be mysterious, but in all honesty, it’s just a play in soothing my own psychological displacement.
It’s stupid, I know, how I deal with social situations (if I deal with them at all) 90% of the time. If you think about it though, all I really need is to get my head straightened out then I wouldn’t be afraid to try ryt? It’s much like weight loss: it sounds easy enough but it’s hard to do. If only I could see things as they are and not get them tied in knots all twisted, maybe I can actually become someone who’d be more ova ‘there’s no harm in trying’ instead of ‘why try’ kinda gal. The real issue here though is the result of what you tried out: fear of its uncertainty, but mostly, fear of failure. How does a man even overcome that undying self-struggle?
In school, I would find myself taken aback to see my classmates get so easily close with each other. Back in third grade, I always thought that your choice of friends doesn’t necessarily have to be the people within the four-walled classroom you come to everyday. There has to be other people outside that, right? Hence, why I never made a single friend in elementary. I did, however, became best friends with a neighbor who really made me feel accepted despite me being fat (yes, everything that hinders me in life is because of my mind-process towards being fat).
I wanted to switch to her school just so we could see each other both at home and at school, but my dad wouldn’t allow it. I have never wanted to be with anyone all the time so badly, haha speaking as my 9 y/o self. When she would deny me a game of chess, which I suck at btw, I’d feel rejected and throw a tantrum like the little brat that I am. We’d make up right away though with the share of cookies. Even when I was a kid, I really did have a hard time simply liking people. There’s so many kids in our block who kept insisting we play some outdoor games, but I never thought special of myself - always presuming things on the negative side: they probably just need someone to fill in to one of the spots, not that they’d actually want me to join. I’m guessing our frequent city moving played a huge part in that. We moved around a lot, the ‘I’m not staying long anyway, so why bother’ feels~ led me to never keep any of my childhood friends. What do I know about ‘keeping in touch’? But Sandy (that’s her nickname) was different. Everything was smooth and easy with her, even if the thought of moving away again baffled me a little bit. The feeling of ‘at least it happened’ finally kicked in to me. She was so cool about everything that, at some point, I wanted to be her.
She never wore shorts because she had a skin condition and was uncomfortable letting other people know about it. Her wardrobe consisted of jogging pants, jogging pants, and more jogging pants. If leggings were in back then, I’m sure her closet will be full of them! That could be where I picked up my liking to being covered all the time, regardless of the temperature. I bought pairs and pairs of jogging pants for myself so we could match outfits. When you think about it, that’s got to be annoying, but Sandy was only floored with flattery. She never detested me for being what everybody else was rendering me as: weird, retarded, fat, ugly; and I loved her.
Both our moms then were working abroad, which might have been what made our bond so much more meaningful, for we share the same emptiness an absentee mother induces~*~
I rushed my remaining years in elementary so I can finally be classmates with her in high school. But then her dad enrolled her to an even farther school that I was left sulking throughout my miserable freshman year enduring the company of my incompetent classmates. Academics-wise though, freshman year was probably my most industrious. Sandy challenges me to be a good student because she takes her studies very seriously too. Even if we weren’t classmates, our schedule permitted us to do homework together and share stuff about our horrifying time in school (the only time we’re apart from each other).
Things went shaky during post-freshman year, with my dad dying of cancer and all that dramz~ we had to move again and…… Honestly, I don’t quite remember what happened after. I ended up coming second to Angela Tan in class because of it. My only memory during that time was really hating everyone being all up on mah grill reminding me that my dad’s gone now with all their insincere condolences. I also remember that my distraction from all that ruckus was playing video games, and that I think was what made Sandy and I grow apart. I started loving my tv, playstation, and computer more than her. I actually kind of forgot about her……
On Christmas eve three years ago, I was wandering aimlessly within the city because I was alone in the house and didn’t have anything made for Noche Buena. Idk what I was thinking… maybe that I could run into someone I know or something and invite myself over to their house to eat??? Yep, that’s exactly what I had in mind then. And so I did bump into several former classmates, but I wasn’t close enough with them to be said yes to on a forced self-invite. Wow, this became pathetic fast. Well, anyway, I was ready to head home and just sleep everything off when Sandy, who was walking on her way home from a convenience store, saw me. She invited me to their new house right away, not knowing what a lifesaver she was being at that moment. I ended up having the best Christmas eve with her mom and sister who treated me like I’m part of the family. I thought we were cool again after that, but when I tried adding her on Facebook as I got home, she just straight up ignored my request (it’s still pending until now). Maybe I could’ve tried harder, but after she got knocked up in ‘11, my mom suggested that Sandy must feel uneasy sharing her life with me now.
Funny thing is, I don’t feel so scarred about it. I wish I felt this way to every friendship I failed to work on, maybe then I wouldn’t be so stuck in the errors I committed in the past.