January 2016

I don’t know how to go about life anymore. I want to kill myself but I physically can’t. I’ve been trying to for hours, pointing a dull knife at my stomach saying “Kunin nyo na ko, parang awa n’yo na” repeatedly. But like all my other suicide attempts, I remain cowardly to do ‘it’. I’ve been trying so helplessly to continue doing something that will help me keep on going, but how can you keep at something other people discourage you from. I know no one can ever love me. And I keep telling this to myself to have that go, to do what I should’ve done a long time ago, but I still can’t. If only tears can bring me to an end. How can living be this painful. What have I done so wrong in this world to be so miserable.

Thursday, October 5, 2017 10:56PM

I think it was this day some couple of years ago when I got absolutely heartbroken by a friend. She was my best friend in Senior High. The kind of girl you would see pass by you and you’d think to yourself, Gosh, I wanna be friends. She was pretty, fairly intelligent, but also someone you just can’t seem to trust. We had incredible memories together, some moments, I never even imagined I would have with another person. All the laughs and good times don’t matter now.

/11:01PM

I’ve been discussing theories with Kevin because my anxiety is acting up. Although I have no evidence, I strongly feel that some of our friends don’t like me as much. Why do I try so hard to be liked by people who have never shown me any support anyway? They don’t show it but they know what the fuck I’m up to. They know I have a piercing brand. They know I bike. They know I wrestle. They know I write rap. They seem to be updated in all of these and yet, they’ve honestly never said anything in support. While I’m out here hyping up their every attempt at life. Blackholes.

Nakakita ako ng litrato ng isang lugar na napuntahan ko minsan at hindi na masyadong pamilyar sakin ang hitsura nito. Unti-unti nang nabubura sa isip ko ung mga alaalang dapat ay matagal nang limot. 🙃

I can’t believe it…… No one can dismiss the things I say and tell me I’m too uptight or shout unfair things at me or make me feel like I am a waste of space or that I don’t belong anywhere or that I’m ugly, my attitude is horrible, and no one will ever love me NOW…… I got out ☺️

and I know all those things that I have been conditioned to believe for so long AREN’T REAL.

……Just practicing my speech for when I finally get that apartment I’ve been eyeing

In everything that I do, I don’t have the concept of male and female. Why do you have to elevate the males or the females? Neither is a minority. I just know me and myself. That’s the only competition: what I can do yesterday vs what I can do today.